| obtain or delute |
[16 Sep 2008|09:30pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
] |
i give up.
you are all right...
i am loved i am hated
i am precious i am a fuck up
i am your friend i am your enemy
i am whatever your mind perseves me to be...
i am anything you say i am.
in the end it really doesn't matter, you will remember what you want
i throw my hands up, they are empty and my heart is full. containing chunks of love, hate and confusion.
how do i make the RIGHT decision???
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| memories... |
[03 Sep 2008|06:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
I remember that time you gave me that necklace with a huge cherry pendant on it and I loved it SO much. Then I went to a show and it must have broke off and I lost it. I was so devestated. I would have rather sat at home and not have lost that necklace... I think you told me you stole it from someone or some place! haha. Thank you.
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| crumbs... |
[17 May 2008|01:09am] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
] |
As i sit down with a few strips of cold bacon, a glass of chocolate soy milk and my cup full of daily vitamins, i reflect of the irony of the moment and my entire day. i already regret not getting enough sleep for the following day. my neck throbs with pain and sends it all throughout my brain not allowing me to sleep well anyways...
either there is not enough time in the day or i'm spending my time doing the wrong things. i would rather be doing other things than spending every waking moment at work. but i know that is everyone's feeling on the subject of "work". i just wish i could enjoy the sunshine for a bit longer. lay down in it's warmth a bit more... knowing a break isn't coming soon makes me weary, makes me lag. i haven't been like that lately. i have been pushing myself to work harder, take pride in the efforts i put forth no matter how little the task. it feels good but it gets daunting after awhile...
i am in my own world with my thoughts. they brew a life of it's own, one that no one has been able to tap into. i feel alone but not lonely with those thoughts.
i identify more with ideas in a book and words in songs than the people around me. i guess i have my head in the clouds... but i wouldn't have it any other way. i'd rather live in my world than yours.
it took me a long path to get here but i am really myself today and that is the most amazing accomplishment so far. i am true, i am real, i am honest, and am full of love that i want to give you...
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| HAHhHAahahahhahhahahahhhhhhaaaa |
[11 May 2008|08:55pm] |
no i am not on drugs. i am not high on heroin. so quit asking. think it all you like but i am not a fucking junkie...
it's called being tired, it's called being depressed cause your life is a heaping pile of steaming hot shit.
thanks.
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| juggular's the throat right? |
[18 Mar 2008|11:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 creative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Daft Punk |
] |
so to my surprise i was offered a position writing for a west coast sub-culture zine. this all came about when i was initialy offered in interview for a spread in their summer issue. if i get the shoot it will be a paid shoot, so yeay for that. but after asking for more details about the zine i came to understand they didn't have enough writers yet... as i've always wanted to be a writer i jumped at the opportunity to ask if i could be considered for the task. so without pay i will be racking my tortured mind for content to hopefully entertain any potential readers. and double yeay for that. i suck at writing. i tend to write more like i think and being as spaztic as i am it makes for an uneasy read. so hopefully this will be a chance for me to hone my skills. i really appreciate writers who make you feel something just by the way the word their experience and thoughts. most of the times i just end up confusing myself and others... sometimes i have a moment where it all comes out the way i see it. so with crossed fingers i am ready to seek out the hidden treasures of my mind.
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| Walk Away... |
[08 Mar 2008|05:28pm] |
Oh no
Here comes that sun again
That means another day
Without you my friend
And it hurts me
To look into the mirror at myself
And it hurts even more
To have to be with somebody else
And its so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
With so many people
To love in my life
Why do I worry
About one
But you put the happy
In my ness
You put the good times
Into my fun
And its so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door
Weve tried the goodbye
So many days
We walk in the same direction
So that we could never stray
They say if you love somebody
Than you have got to set them free
But I would rather be locked to you
Than live in this pain and misery
They say time will
Make all this go away
But its time that has taken my tomorrows
And turned them into yesterdays
And once again that rising sun
Is dropping on down
And once again you my friend
Are nowhere to be found
And its so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door
You just walk away
Walk away
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| how come? |
[25 Feb 2008|09:46am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 pissed off |
] |
i can't tell the free world from the living hell...
every song i listen to perpetuates these fucked up feelings. being truely alone and having fucked my life up so much and having people hurt me makes me want to go away. not to make new friends just to think of my past as a bad dream. take drugs to make a new fucked up reality. i don't care anymore about being perfect. being that person who has their shit together, i just want things to be right for me. it's going to take a lot of time for that to come to me, if it even happens at all.
why does my happiness lye in the hands of someone who might not want to be with me? because i am stupid. cause i'm fucked up in the head. i will probably regret writing this too... someone will read it and bitch me out for writing shit they take the wrong way, they are my thoughts. i don't have to change them, they are not wrong. they are mine. when am i ever right? fuck everyone, i am right some times. i don't know what will happen in the future so i'm going to stop trying to perdict. focus on now. now sucks. i'm trying to give myself another chance. but i'm worn out.
with him gone all the love has drianed from my heart... i don't beieve in life without love. with out him... i want this. i want him.
fuck everything else. pain and heartache don't mean the same thing to me anymore.
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| i dig in deeper just to throw it away. |
[10 Oct 2007|05:30pm] |
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wow... send me to meet my maker. i wish i could handle this. but if i could then it wouldn't be called a disorder now would it? it so fucking hard. i've never been so frusterated in all my life. i want to go home and the letters on the keyboard are blurry because of the tears forming in my eyes. an utter sense of helplessness. like you don't have the option to give up.. you have to suffer through it. but you have no magic potion, you have no cure. before when this was happening like if at work for example i would say i had to go home. i would stopped going to work cause i just stayed in bed all day crying. but now i realize that is not an option for me, even though i have this didsorder i have to be responsible and live my life. i have to pay my bills and not accrue any more problems or debt because of it. so at work i had to keep myself from crying and then spend my whole 45 min break sobbing in front of the mall for all to see while chain smoking. my brain won't stop, i can't stop thinking of all the things that hurt me. what do you do when he won't take your problems seriously cause you have a disorder but this problem is real? he is lieing to me. i don't care how big how small he is and he is not worthy of my love. i am giving him all of me and he is still adding girls named "cum slut" to his page, why? i am not being crazy about that, that is disrepectful and hurtful, why do you want to add stupid bitches like that?? you don't need that in your life you. you are scum if you want that in your life when you have me, and i don't respect you for it.
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| throwing in the towel... |
[07 Oct 2007|11:27pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
i have to get up in 5 hours to work all day and here i am typing out my frustrations and multiple encounters with irony. one time not too long ago i called a help line. the call was made in all senserity, but instead it backfired. the voice on the other end was allegedly one of comfort and support but in turn was one trying to get me to hang up and leave him the fuck alone. i swear a stick of gum had more empathy for me at this point. need i point out the irony here??? if it doesn't slap you right in the face, i will! can i just say.. WHAT THE FUCK??? this guy should be shot, good thing i'm a pussy and was too upset to even kill myself else he would be satan in the flesh. so then later on down the road i enter an online support group and what do i find? ha, i find an email that says after i fill out this ginormis survey i MIGHT be accepted! But i will have to wait a week to find out if i've been rejected or not!!! hahaha god you are a funny guy. shall i seek shelter else where? i guess i'm going to have to fordge onward.
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| Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde |
[23 Sep 2007|05:12pm] |
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mood |
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 distressed |
] |
i don't want anyone to read this really i just come here when things are down and it's time to vent. this time there is just more to reflect on, as more time has inevitably passed. who knows when it will be my turn to shine or when it will be my turn to kick that gay ass bucket, but i feel like one has to come sooner rather than later. it's my own fault for having put the center of my being in the hands of one single person. not a good idea, just take some words from the wise on this one. that is the way i live. i don't know how that all came to be but it is obviously here to stay. like an unwanted house guest that makes your skin crawl but you don't have the balls to give them the bird and kick their ass out once and for all. the pain has it's pleasure and maybe that is why i hang on for dear life. a hopeless romantic with just a pinch more hopeless in the mix then romantic. but again that is the part i have choosen to play. i punched myself square in the face and found this time it stung a little bit more than the usual. what is it, the stupid sayings people (and greeting cards)like to say to belittle the situation or just make themselves feel like they are helping out? something like,"time heals all wounds" and shit of that nature. well i for one am sick of trying to tell myself those things. i want change, happiness and love. wow, the true hippie coming out in me. at this point i would love to trade in my disgusting displays of violence for a crown made of daisies. and i believe it was said once "what's so wrong about peace, love, and understanding?" that is my catharsis and cheesie que.
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| like i said. |
[14 Jun 2007|11:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sad |
] |
in my previous post i stated this is where i come when i have no where else to go to vent. here i go. i don't like competition, i don't think i should have to compete for someone's attention if they care about you. i just don't like this feeling, i know i'll be ok it's just a bad day. i wish i could be everything, i wish i could be enough. i want to be proud of myself. i want someone to be proud of me too. i'm working towards that it's hard to feel shitty in the mean time.
you are my sweetest downfall, i loved you first. i loved you first.
i will always love you. so many memories... i want to go back in time to feel that way again. i want to create beautiful moments like those again. i want to believe that we can experience those things again. this is a gross world and it's hurtful, i want to make those moments come back into our lives.
i will fight. this is all i want in life.
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| must vent |
[01 May 2007|01:39am] |
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this is where i come when i have no where else to go. teriffic days drownd out by hurtful bits. i am nieve. i am wrong that people are good that people care that people want the best for you. it's all lies. that is a fact. fuck it. i'm content with my life sure i have wants but you try to believe in people....
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| Nature |
[23 Apr 2007|09:40am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 thankful |
] |
I am not 100% happy or satisfied with my life but I am really glad that I feel a change in me. I have actually been able to control my emotions. I keep thinking it's too good to be true but then something else comes my way and a wave of calm comes over me and I can think instead of just reacting stupidly. I've failed so many times I was beginning to think I was a lost cause but I proved myself wrong. That gives me the hope I need to go forward in life. I've had a lot of pain in the past year but life does have a funny way of working itself out and I have an overwhelming optimisim that it will. I am finding myself again and it feels good, being alone and away from you will do that. I will continue to find how to be happy with myself so I can treat Justin like he always deserved to be treated. I'm exited for him and his travels. I hope one day we will get to enjoy those things together. =)
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| what it is. |
[13 Mar 2007|03:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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optimistic |
] |
venting venting... it is time.
When I try something and it is not looking like it is working out, that second I give in. But I don't move on either, I just dwell on the crap without really doing something. So I'm sick of running needless to say. I am going to follow through with something this time. I've been struggling with finding the person I once was while still growing into the person I want to be. I feel comfortable with where I am living and the people I'm around. But I feel lost inside myself. Being comfortable where I am will help me get in touch with myself again. I just need to kick it up a notch, I feel better than the last few months. That was a state of utter confusion and pain, but now I have my head in a new clear place. I have to choose what to do now. I have to choose the right path for my life now.
Life changes so quickly and I want to focus on being prepared for those months ahead. I'm going to stick to what I want and give it my all.
*Colleen*
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| I thought I had everything under control.... |
[13 Feb 2007|06:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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This Providence- My Beautiful Rescue |
] |
ok so i think live journal is kinda lame... but it's a good place to vent. i would like to get out how i feel so it's not all bottled up inside of me.
I am trying to pull myself out of a hole and it seems like some people are still looking at my past and judging me for growing and trying to figure life out. Those things your judging me for are never going to go away if you think that's who i am and who i always will be. i'm saying it's not who i am and the things i have done in the past were just that, experiences, and some of them i don't want a part of my past but at least i can move on from them and learn. i don't feel it's fair that the people i care about who weren't there for me during those times are judging me and writing me off for that and they can do the same thing and i still care for them and support them...
it's been a while now and it still herts. everyday i think about it and everyday i want to change my life. everyday i want that one thing to be right again. nothing fits, nothing feels right, nothing makes me complete. i keep thinking of that ONE thing and it's wearing me out to wake up everyday and not get any closer to it. I hate to sound depressing or not optimistic about the future because that's not the case, there are many things i am looking foward to. I'm only 20 years old, there are so many things I have yet to venture out and do. It's hard to start over when your past keeps pestering you. I have a hard time with moving on completely when the one thing that i want is in my past. I want that to come back and be a part of my new life with me. I'm starting over. It feels scary but I'm trying to be positive about it all.
I am so thankful for the friends i have kept and who love me for me and who would stand by me through the rough times. they deserve the world, just when you think there is no hope left and there is no one left to trust they are there by your side. thank you, i wouldn't have made it if it wasn't for your love and smiles to get me through.
I am strong, I have had all I cared about ripped away from me and I still believe in you and myself. I'd give anything for you to see this from my eyes. It takes a lot to go through life without you there but I do it because I am strong and because there is still love in the spot where you were in my heart. I tried to replace it but I had to find out the hard way that nothing else would fit there.
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[13 Jan 2007|07:53pm] |
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i'm not a stupid girl, even though i am my own worst enemy. i will pull away, i don't want to defend myself or prove myself werthy. i'm growing and trying to figure out what i want in my life. i have found a few things i don't want.
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[09 Jan 2007|12:13am] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
knowing no one reads this anyway i figure i need a good catharsis...
well i'm starting over. starting from scratch. i need a new job and i need to get a new place in a few months.
i never get to see my friends. i never see my family. everyones mad at me. well i'm sorry. i'm trying to stay alive. i don't know what i want from life other than to be happy. i want to be with justin. i'm just going to get some stuff sorted out and do what i can to stay happy.
i really have nothing to complain about. i'll be ok in the end.
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| Skank-o-meter...that's right, she's back! |
[27 Dec 2006|04:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crazy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Exploding Hearts- Sniffin Glue |
] |
Well, well, well... I haven't been on here in years. I was looking back at my old entries and it's crazy how much you forget about your life in just a short amount of time. All I can say is I was so fucking lame, well i really had no other choice. life sucked then, life doesn't suck as bad now. It's worse but the older i get i become more used to the idea of getting fucked in the ass. But on the other hand i've done NOTHING with my life since then. So from here on out it's either Plan A: to drop everything, fuck everyone and leave to travel, or Plan B: be responsible, get a new job, get my GED, get my drivers licence, pay off my debt, pay my bills, grin and bare it. grrrr.
i guess i'll find out soon enough.
*Colleen*
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| I don't know why things have to get so misconstrued... you do the math |
[04 Jan 2006|12:44pm] |
I don't know how I feel about New Years. I feel some what ok because it feels like a new beginning, even though it's still just time going by like usual. But something inside of me can't help but be cynical and look back on the year and think of all the time I wasted or all the stupid crap the happened. But I just know is that a form of clearity comes over me some how and I know what exactly I want, which is pretty profound for me. And this would be to be loved and be understood completly. Just because I want it doesn't mean I don't have it. It's just something I continue to strive more and more of and keep. well that's all for now... thanks for listening.
*Colleen*
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| Tattoo!!! |
[26 Nov 2005|06:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crazy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Horrorpops- It's been so long |
] |
Yesterday Justin, Savannah, and I went to get tattoos!!! It was crazy and here are the results. The tattoo I got was my own design. I will get better pictures and put them up soon. Let me know what ya think. The guy who owns the shop gave Justin an apprenticeship at his shop and gave us our tattoos, that would originaly cost us $300 each for $150 each! It was awsome. I passed out cause I hadn't eaten all day but it didn't hert that bad, not as bad as I exspected...
*Colleen*
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